Kieran Simkin · electronic press kit
ChristmasTat
Bright UK garage/pop about Secret Santa, unwanted gifts and spending money people do not have.
A Christmas song for Black Friday and Buy Nothing Day
Christmas Tat starts from a familiar seasonal ritual: buying presents because Christmas says we should, even when nobody wants another bath bomb, candle or novelty toiletry set.
Kieran Simkin turns that observation into a bright, clean 2:41 UK garage/pop song. Two-step drums, festive bells and a large singalong chorus keep it genuinely cheerful; the sarcasm comes from the concrete detail rather than a cynical performance.
The humour is affectionate rather than anti-Christmas. The release-date collision gives editors a concise consumer-culture hook without changing the song into a lecture.
Listen to the full clean master
For review, radio and editorial consideration before release.
The native audio controls remain available. Audio never autoplays.
Pick a present. Reveal the ritual.
Concrete objects carry the joke: cheerful, recognisable, and destined for a cupboard.
Secret Santa
A ten-pound cap, a colleague you barely know, and the obligation to find something—anything—before the party.
Recording and campaign details
Close look: the gift-set joke
Artwork, audio and lyrics
Use the supplied artwork unchanged and credit the release to Kieran Simkin.
Artwork credit and provenance
Release artwork courtesy of Kieran Simkin. Original fire photograph © Kieran Simkin. The SlinQ.com mark on the source photograph refers to his former domain.
Words
Lyrics
Official lyrics for Christmas Tat.
Christmas Tat
Down to the shops, everyone's rammed,
Christmas crowds and bags in our hands,
Don't know what you want — that's quite alright,
I'll grab you something shiny tonight.
Novelty socks and a gift-set pack,
Spend all my money, never get it back,
Wrap it up neat with a bow and a tag,
Nothing says love like a five-quid bag.
Oh, what fun,
Oh, what cheer,
Buy you something you won't use all year.
We're buying Christmas tat,
And we're having such a lovely time,
Spending all the money that we haven't got,
Just to show you that you're on our mind.
Buy it, wrap it, smile and clap,
"Oh, you shouldn't have!" — fancy that,
Back of the cupboard, then out with the trash,
Merry Christmas — have some tat!
Secret Santa, ten-pound cap,
Buy some rubbish for a bloke called Matt,
Queue to the door, card gets declined,
Christmas magic — isn't it divine?
Rip off the wrap, grin and pretend,
Keep the receipt so you can shift it again,
Boxing Day comes, back in the sack,
Queue at the counter to hand it straight back.
Oh, what fun,
Oh, what cheer,
Buy you something you won't use all year.
We're buying Christmas tat,
And we're having such a lovely time,
Spending all the money that we haven't got,
Just to show you that you're on our mind.
Buy it, wrap it, smile like that,
"Oh, you shouldn't have!" — fancy that,
Straight in a cupboard, back of the flat,
Merry Christmas — have some tat!
It's the thought that counts,
So don't think twice,
Grab a mug, a candle,
Anything looks nice.
Buy it quick,
Wrap it fast,
Christmas love
Was built to last!
Bath bomb for Mum, little candle for Nan,
Lynx Africa box for every grown man,
Slogan tee saying "Prosecco Queen",
It's thoughtful because it's wrapped in green.
We're buying Christmas tat,
And we're having such a lovely time,
Spending all the money that we haven't got,
Just to show you that you're on our mind.
Buy it, wrap it, smile and clap,
"Oh, you shouldn't have!" — fancy that,
Straight in a cupboard, back of the flat,
Merry Christmas — have some tat!
Have some tat!
Have some tat!
Spend it, wrap it, bin the crap —
Merry Christmas —
Have some tat!