Excessive Stuffing

Buck’s Fizz for breakfast, still in my gown,
Smoked salmon, scrambled eggs going down.
Terry’s Chocolate Orange—“Only a bite,”
I’ve eaten every segment and it’s barely light.
Warm mince pies with a mountain of cream,
Sausage rolls while the kettle steams.
“Save some room!” Yeah, I know, I know—
But the lid’s off the tin and away I go!

One more mouthful, one more plate,
One more “Go on, it’d be a waste!”

Nan brings the turkey, golden brown,
Straight on the table, she plonks it down.
“A slice for me, and a leg for you”
Then roasties and gravy and parsnips too.
My plate’s piled high, but she’s not done—
Dumps on the stuffing like I’ve got none!
I shout, “Enough!” but she thinks I’m bluffing—

Nan! That’s too much stuffing!
That’s too much stuffing!

Roast turkey, roasties, piled to the edge,
Pigs in blankets buried in veg.
Honey-roast parsnips, sprouts in a row,
Sage-and-onion—here we go!

One more mouthful, one more plate,
One more “Go on, it’d be a waste!”

Nan brings the turkey, golden brown,
Straight on the table, she plonks it down.
“A slice for me, and a leg for you,”
Then roasties and gravy and parsnips too.
My plate’s piled high, but she’s not done—
Dumps on the stuffing like I’ve got none!
I shout, “Enough!” but she thinks I’m bluffing—

Nan! That’s too much stuffing!

Christmas puddings burning blue,
Flaming brandy—I’ve had some too.
Brandy butter, trifle, cake,
“Just a thin slice”—fills the plate.
Stilton and crackers, another port,
I’m finding crumbs in the folds of my shorts.
After Eights at half past three,
There’s more room in the turkey than me!

Can’t do the two-step, stuck in my seat,
Still got a hand in the Quality Street.
“No more turkey, I’m finished, I’m through.”

“What about sandwiches?” …“Go on then, two.”

Nan brings the turkey, golden brown,
Straight on the table, she plonks it down.
“A slice for me, and a leg for you”
Then roasties and gravy and parsnips too.
My plate’s piled high, but she’s not done—
Dumps on the stuffing like I’ve got none!
I shout, “Enough!” but she thinks I’m bluffing—

Nan! That’s too much stuffing!

Just a little sandwich.
…Easy on the stuffing.